Re: [Adonthell-general] One doc, two docs, old docs, new doc

[Kai Sterker]

On Tue, 27 Aug 2002 23:55:29 -0500 (CDT) Andrew Michael Phillips wrote:

> Okay,
> I know I'm still behind, but I have produced something. I've made
> changes to the Dwarves of Uzdun'kal and The Marring of the World.
> Please check them out and point out anything that might be missing.
> 
> http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/marring.html

I only spotted two things. In paragraph 7:
"The Mighty sought then to renew the world. Then the Storm King [...]"
I think there is a 'then' too much. I would leave out the second one, as
it was originally.

And in the last paragraph:
"Some these ancient spirits [...]".
I guess you could leave 'Some' away, or add an 'of'.

Other than that it is fine.


> http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/uzdunkal.html

I fear I still have to complain about the third paragraph. ("Though they
spent as little time as possible among the tall folk, they heard of a
distant Isle which was large enough to have mountains.") The point is,
they hear about this island, as it seems before reaching the Sea in the
Forest. Then they build their boats to cross it. And the next thing is
"The leaders of Zhet'kal _immediately_ became [...]". But in the text it
seems as if quite some time has passed before hearing about the island
and becoming interested into it. If you'd move the first sentence at the
beginning of the next paragraph, it would be clear that they learned of
the island somewhere on their migration and immediately became
interested, even though they had to cross the Sea in the Forest first.

Besides, paragraoh 3 would work very well without that sentence, I
think. And the next paragraph would only need a slight re-arrangement.
Something like:

"Though they spent as little time as possible among the tall folk, the
leaders of Zhet'kal heard of a distant Isle which was large enough to
have mountains. They immediately became interested in the news of that
mountainous island, since their clan already had a reputation for
crossing water more willingly and in greater numbers than any other
kindred among the Khuzdunat. [...]"

Just my 2¢ though; the final decision is yours.


> Also, I've produced something about the various Ranger and ranger-like
> groups.
> 
> http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/rangers.html

That one looks good. I think there are a few passages that aren't as
archaic as others. But I'll need to take a closer look at it first. The
different groups and their names are very nice; I especially like the
men of Mace and men of Knife :).

Kai