lynx-dev LYNX: some badly-needed humor

[David Combs]

Recieved this from a friend.  Enjoy.
David



Subject: news flashes
Message-Id: <address@hidden>
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 22:53:22 +0000

Today's Top Story--

U.S. warplanes accidentally bombed portions of Turkey and Greece due to
what NATO military planners claimed was the use of an outdated map of the
expansive Turkish Ottoman Empire from the 14th century. The governments of
Turkey and Greece are outraged by the massive destruction of neighborhoods
in several of their cities including Istanbul and Athens. "We don't know
how such a mix-up got through our stringent system of verification. We
certainly are red-faced about this little mishap and didn't realize the
targeting information supplied by the CIA was 600 years out of date",
said a NATO spokesman. An unnamed source at the CIA blamed the faulty
information on budget cuts mandated by Congress. "We warned those pinheads
on Capitol Hill that if they cut back our resources, the quality of
information would suffer", he said.



CLINTON CONSIDERS NATO BOMBING HALT ON OPENING DAY OF STAR WARS MOVIE

President Clinton indicated that as a "humanitarian gesture" he is
considering calling on NATO to halt its bombing of Yugoslavia on the
opening day of the Star Wars movie "The Phantom Menace". "There are some
events that take precedence even over war and the premiere of a Star Wars
movie is such an event", Clinton told reporters at the White House press
room. The president also said he would ask Congress to pass a resolution
declaring the day the movie opens, May 20, Star Wars day citing projections
of the large number of government workers who are planning to skip work to
attend. "This stands to be the last great event of this century and we
should afford it proper recognition with a national holiday", Clinton said.



JESSE JACKSON TRAVELS TO HADES. SAYS "GIVE SATAN A CHANCE".

The Reverend Jesse Jackson traveled on a diplomatic mission to Hades to
discuss issues of evil with Satan. Jackson first prayed with Satan before
engaging in a marathon 8-hour meeting. The well-known reverend, who manages
to immerse himself in top news stories on a yearly basis, had been asked by
clergy not to make the journey. Though a White House official publicly
confirmed that they also did not support his mission, privately one of the
president's aides admitted that on several occasions Mr. Clinton had told
Reverend Jackson to "go to hell". Jackson emerged from his 8-hour marathon
talks holding hands with Satan and saying he had reached a new
understanding of his adversary. "I say give Satan a chance. We developed a
framework for negotiations to establish better relations. Of course the
devil is in the details but I remain hopeful there will be a breakthrough",
Jackson said. CBS News announced that anchor Dan Rather was en route to
Hades after securing permission from Satan for an exclusive interview.



CLINTON PROPOSES NEW GUM CONTROL MEASURES

Citing the growing nuisance of chewing gum deposited under desks, tables
and on pavement, President Clinton proposed a series of tough new measures
to control it. "We owe it to all Americans to keep our country free of the
spread of this unsightly, sticky substance", Clinton said at a Rose Garden
ceremony. Joining the president was a family from Florida whose four-year
old boy, Tommy, was nearly hit by traffic after he became stuck on a piece
of gum while crossing a busy road. "I want the Tommys of America not to
have to live in fear of gum-related accidents", Clinton emotionally said as
a small tear welled in his left eye. Among the proposals are a mandatory
three-day waiting period before a piece of chewed gum can be discarded and
a new law that would hold parents legally responsible for the gum deposits
of their children.