[AlcoveBook-users] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 5

[The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour]

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

Ok...so yesterday's issue got really screwed up somehow...hopefully
today's will come out properly...if not...back to the drawing board!  ;)
The full version of yesterdays issue can be found at either:
http://www.purehumour.com/blog/ or at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Creativebal, Wendy, Stan,
Ann, Michael, Keli, Greg, Colorado Kid, DA Funk.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

If Saddam is really dead, is he in Heaven with 70 virgins?

No, he's in Hell with a two dollar French whore.

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Wow...three of the sexiest females you have ever seen can
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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Greg and Keli were having dinner and the conversation got around to 
transplants and artificial body parts. 

"They'll make an artificial dick next," Keli said. 

"Bullshit!" replied Greg. "There are some things you can't make.
Besides, what would you make it from?" 

"Iron," Keli told him. 

"Don't be silly, dear. It would rust." 

"Ok, brass then," Keli insisted. 

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed Greg. "Men would never be able to 
keep it clean." 

"Rubbish!" Keli told him. "For years, I've watched you polish yours while 
watching porno videos...!"

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó

Happy Birthday to Stacia...hope you have a great one!

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 David Graf Lancaster OH, actor (Police Academy 2, 3, 4, 6, Councilman 
Nash-He's the Mayor) 
1951 John Bentley rocker 
1952 Peter Westbrook St Louis MO, US fencer (Olympics-bronze-88, 92, 96) 
1953 Jay O Sanders Austin TX, actor (Meeting Venus, V I Warshawski) 
1955 Ellen Barkin Bronx NY, actress (Big Easy, Sea of Love, Switch) 
1955 Charlotte Morrison English large landowner/multi-millionaire 
1955 Henri Heir Apparent Prince of Luxembourg 
1956 David M Brown Arlington VA, Commander USN/astronaut 
1956 Marty Dickerson Middletown OH, golfer (1994 ShopRite Classic-22nd) 
1958 Philip Bainbridge British cricketeer 
1959 Anne Kursinski equestrian show jumper (Olympics-silver-96) 
1962 David Pate Los Angeles CA, tennis star 
1962 Ian MacKaye rocker (Cyrano de Bergerac) 
1962 Jeanne Golay Coral Gables FL, cyclist (Olympics-16th-92, 96) 
1963 Jimmy Osmond Ogden UT, singer (Donnie & Marie) 
1963 Nick Berry Britain, actor (Wicksy-EastEnders) 
1963 Garry Galley Montréal Québec Canada, NHL defenseman (Buffalo Sabres) 
1963 Hu Na China, tennis star 
1963 Salim Malik cricketer (memorable Pakistani & Essex batsman) 
1964 Dave Pirner rocker (Soul Asylum) 
1964 Robert Kelker-Kelly Wichita KS, (Bo-Days of our Live) 
1965 Jon Cryer actor (Pretty in Pink, Superman IV) 
1965 Caren Kemner Quincy IL, volleyball outside hitter (Olympics-bronze-92, 96) 
1965 Gerardo rocker 
1965 Martin Lawrence comedian (Martin) 
1966 Lewis Tillman NFL running back (Chicago Bears) 
1967 Charles Evans NFL running back (Minnesota Vikings) 
1968 Grace Kim Korea, tennis star 
1969 Fernando Vina Sacramento CA, infielder (Milwaukee Brewers) 
1969 Melinda Rich Muskegon MI, WPVA volleyballer (US Open-13th-1993) 

.....and on this day in history:

1951 British submarine Affray sank in English Channel, killing 75 
1952 "4 Saints in 3 Acts" opens at Broadway Theater NYC for 15 performances 
1953 Phillie's Connie Ryan gets 6 hits in a game 
1953 British royal yacht Britannica taken out of service 
1953 Jackie Pung wins LPGA Palm Springs Golf Open 
1953 Stanley Cup Montréal Canadiens beat Boston Bruins, 4 games to 1 
1953 WAND TV channel 17 in Decatur IL (ABC) begins broadcasting 
1954 KVAL TV channel 13 in Eugene OR (CBS) begins broadcasting 
1954 Stanley Cup Detroit Red Wings beat Montréal Canadiens, 4 games to 3 
1956 1st solar powered radios go on sale 
1957 Stanley Cup Montréal Canadiens beat Boston Bruins, 4 games to 1 
1957 USSR performs atmospheric nuclear test 
1958 22nd Golf Masters Championship Arnold Palmer wins, shooting a 284 
1958 French government of Gaillard falls due to Tunisia crisis 
1959 New York Yankees unveil their 1st message scoreboard 
1959 Phillies' Dave Philley gets a major league record 9th straight pinch hit 
1959 "Party with Comden & Green" opens at John Golden NYC for 44 performances 
1959 Datu Abdul Rozak inaugurated as premier of Malaysia federation 
1961 15th Tony Awards Becket & Bye Bye Birdie win 
1961 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Dallas Civitan Golf Open 
1961 Stanley Cup Chicago Blackhawks beat Detroit Red Wings, 4 games to 2 
1962 Walter Cronkite begins anchoring CBS Evening News 
1962 Brazil nationalizes US businesses 
1964 9 men sentenced 25-30 years for Britain's 1963 "Great Train Robbery" 
1964 Geraldine Mock of US is 1st woman to fly solo round the world 
1965 Test flight of heavy Saturn S-1C-rocket 
1966 Rhodesian PM Ian Smith breaks diplomatic relations with Britain 
1967 Yankees beat Boston 7-6 in 18 innings 
1967 "Walking Happy" closes at Lunt Fontanne Theater NYC after 161 performances 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be from Mars. But I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped...

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

Bamboozled man in the ring, tra, la, la, la, la la
By John Martin

Did you know that mobile phones these days come
with 50-metre swimming pools?

Neither did I until until a phone company represen-
tative rang me yesterday and asked if I wanted to
upgrade my phone.

I was entitled to a "free" upgrade to a "basic"
model phone, she said.

But if I was willing to pay just a teensie, weensie
bit more, say $44,000 a month, I could have one with
e-mail, backlit screen, Olympic-sized swimming pool
and as much caramel fudge as I could eat.

"Pardon?" I said. "Did you say a swimming pool in
my phone?"

More....?

<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/mobphone.html ">John Martin</a>
http://johnmartin.actweb.net/mobphone.html

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

"If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can't they write names
better?"
-Todd Glass

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

You Dont Want To Dissect Me
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon6a.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon6a.shtml

Marriage Is Made In Heaven
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/marmade.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/marmade.shtml

Blink If You Are Horny
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blink.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blink.shtml

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, 
haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he 
said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't 
returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot 
all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, 
took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, sonny, we're gonna 
get us a free haircut!'"

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

race the auto-refresh with the back button

<a href="http://udel.edu/~jgephart/mousemad.htm";>mouse madness</a>
http://udel.edu/~jgephart/mousemad.htm

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

The Top Ten Things The Iraqi Information Minister Had to Say:

10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned"

9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC"

8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 
'is' is"

7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit 
through 'Becker'"

6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?"

5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged"

4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show 
business"

3. "Incoming!"

2. "Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles"

1. "War? What war?"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few 
minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect 
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. 

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen 
anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell 
me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and 
quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, 
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found 
us quiet, you would drop dead."

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Known literally as "juicy plants," varieties of succulents include all but 
which plant?

A. Aloe
B. Cactus 
C. Stonecrop aka Sedum
D. Water lily

<Answers in Next Issue!>

23/03

Last Issue's Answers:

Where were women first allowed to become candidates for election without any 
restrictions?

B. South Australia

QQ: South Australian women won the vote in 1895 (the Bill was passed by the 
South Australian Parliament in 1894 but was not enacted until Queen Victoria 
signed her Assent on Feb. 2 1895). They were the second to gain the vote, after 
New Zealand women who secured this right in 1893, and the first in the world to 
gain the right to stand for election. 

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A Boob A Day Keeps The Doctor Away
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boobaday.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boobaday.shtml

Guys Take The Day Off
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dayoff.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dayoff.shtml

Stop Staring
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tits.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tits.shtml

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard
and sees a mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?" he asks.  "Yep," the mutt replies.` "So,
what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift
of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight
years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the  airport to do some undercover
security work,  mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling
him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that
shit!"

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

April 16th 2002:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m845.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m845.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods
of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a
private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior. The
detective reported that he travelled to a near-by city where he spent
his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs
to prove it. When her husband returned from his "business trip," she
confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then
confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in
disbelief, the man said,  "I think it was bigamy to admit it." 

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Play Milk The Cow
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/milkcow.shtml ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/milkcow.shtml

Play Mooxil
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mooxil.html ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mooxil.html

Dare Dozen
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/daredozen.shtml ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/daredozen.shtml

Bursting Bubbles
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bubbles2.html ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bubbles2.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Had a friend whose Grandpa lived with 'em... He was
always going on about the good old days, and the lower
cost of living, in particular...
 
"When I was a boy, my momma could send me to the store,
and I'd get a ham, a quart of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, 
and a comic book... all fo' a quarter!! You can't DO that no mo'... 

...them daing video cameras is ever'where ya look......"

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! 
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Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A young priest arose one morning and went to breakfast. 

On his way there he encountered two nun. "Good morning
sisters," he said and they replied in a sing song manner,
"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." 

This stunned the priest who thought he had been very polite
but he just went on. He encountered a Brother a little
while later along the way and he said,"Good morning Brother."
The Brother smiled and replied in a sing song voice, "You
got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." 

The priest looked confused at all this but went on. A little
farther on he came across a fellow priest and he said, "Good
morning Father." The priest replied in a sing song manner,
"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." 

Now the priest was becoming rather angry. He continued his
walk to the dinning hall, not saying a word to anyone. The
Bishop sees him and said,"Father ..." 

The young priest was not going to take any more even from the
Bishop. He looked the Bishop in the eye and said "No, I did
not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" 

The Bishop looks at him stunned and said, "I beg your pardon,
Father?" 

The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your
Holiness, what is it you want?" 

The Bishop looked at him and said, "All I was going to do was
ask you why you were wearing Sister Ann's shoes?" 

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Long Lost Siblings
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sibling.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sibling.shtml

Getting A Perm The Old Fashioned Way
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/perm.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/perm.shtml

Didnt You Get My Email?
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl5.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl5.shtml

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

An Indian police officer who forced a female colleague
to parade naked in public has been relieved of his post
pending an inquiry.

Ghulam Nabi was suspended from the Kral Khud police
station in Srinagar, Kashmir, for his treatment of the
officer.

Nabi, the station house officer, allegedly caught the
woman in a "compromising position" inside an abandoned
house with four other people.

It is reported that he thrashed the woman and later paraded
her in public after stripping her on the way to the police
station.

An unnamed senior police officer said: "We will take stern
action against the officer once the inquiry is complete.
This is a serious incident and we have ordered a high-level
inquiry."

A lawyer told The Telegraph of Calcutta: "If they were trying
to teach the accused policewoman a lesson, the Kral Khud
police have stretched this punishment too far.

"No one can imagine handing down a sentence like that. We can
accept that the accused was nabbed in a compromising position.
But is there some law in this land or not?"

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before,
and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd
ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that
seasickness could be this awful?

With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was
going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry,
young fella.  Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"Oh noooo!!" Bernie wailed... "You've just taken away my
last hope for relief!"

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       S O R R Y    C H A R L I E        [||||]    

"A federal judge on Thursday temporarily blocked the Bush administration 
from relaxing its rules dictating whether cans of tuna can be labeled 
'Dolphin Safe'."    (LAD/4/11)

The only Dolphins Dub has ever showed any interest in have helmets and 
shoulder pads. 

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom 
one day to find his mother taking a 
bath. He points at her bush and asks, 
'"What's that Mommy?'" 

A little  embarrassed, she tells him 
that is her sponge. Johnny is satisfied 
with  that answer and goes back to 
playing with his toys. 

Some time later, Johnny catches his 
mother in the shower shortly after 
she has shaved her bush for bikini 
season. 

Johnny asks her, "'Where is  your 
sponge mommy?" 

Again embarrassed she tells him that 
she lost it but will probably find it
soon. 

Johnny is a little worried and promises 
his mommy that he will help her  find it. 
His mother says "OK" and goes back to 
showering. 

Soon,  Johnny comes running back in 
and says that he has found his mother's 
sponge. 

"'What do you mean you found my 
sponge? Where?" 

"The lady next door has it and she's 
washing Daddy's face with it!" 

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

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Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

Hillary V. Boyd and her husband, Jonathon Gordon Granger
were charged with stealing a lobster from a tank at the
Red Lobster restaurant in Naples, Florida.

Police gave this account of what led to their seafood-
stealing suspects: 

On Monday, around 3:30 p.m., patrons at the restaurant
reported seeing a man later identified as Granger walk
out the front door of the restaurant with a live Maine
lobster tucked under his shirt. 

Quick-thinking witnesses grabbed the license tag number
and description of the car Granger had gotten into with
Boyd and alerted management. The car had sped off. 

Police ran the tag through dispatchers and found it was
registered to Granger and Boyd. 

So an officer called their home and left a phone message.
He left his cellular phone number and asked the couple to
call so they could clear up the matter. Just before 8 p.m.,
Boyd called the officer back. 

He explained to her that he was looking into the stolen
lobster case and asked her if she had been at the Red Lobster
on Monday afternoon. She said she'd been there with her husband,
but she didn't know anything about the lobster. 

The officer explained that the restaurant wanted to be paid for
the lobster and to have the couple banned from the restaurant,
and no charges would be pressed. 

Boyd again said she didn't know what the officer was talking
about. The officer asked to talk to her husband. Granger admitted
that he stole the lobster. He agreed to pay for the lobster and
sign a trespass warning to keep out of jail. 

"(Granger) said he was buzzed from drinking and that it was a
stupid mistake,'' police reports say. 

A short time later, Boyd arrived, lobster in hand. 

When the officer explained that the couple would be banned from
Red Lobster, Boyd got loud and started yelling obscenities,
upsetting diners in the restaurant. Police had met her in the
banquet room. 

"This is a (expletive) joke. We're in trouble for a (expletive)
$8.99 lobster?'' she said. 

The officer asked her to calm down, but she continued to be loud.
She told the officer that she was taking the blame for the lobster
theft and not her husband. The officer explained that her husband
had to sign the trespassing warning, too. 

"Boyd stated ... that I could take her to jail for the lobster,''
the report says. Police also say it appeared Boyd was under the
influence of alcohol. 

Boyd then grabbed the restaurant manager by the waist and pushed
the officer in the shoulder after he'd warned her not to touch
anyone. Boyd then started fighting with the officer and he had to
take her to the ground to control her. 

Another officer met Granger in the parking lot, where he'd been
waiting for his wife, and he fought with police. While one officer
fought with him, another had to run after Boyd, who had tried to
run from police. 

Both were then taken to the Collier County jail. Once at the jail,
Boyd pushed a jail officer, leading to another charge. 

Boyd, who told police she is a bartender at the Collier Athletic
Club, is facing charges of obtaining food with intent to defraud,
resisting an officer with violence, disorderly conduct, battery
and battery on a law enforcement officer. 

Granger, who says he is an unemployed laborer, is charged with
retail theft and resisting an officer with violence.  

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Why didn't the Canadians get involed in the  war?
 
Because they didn't get their guns registered in time.

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Morning Wood
by Capt. John Diamond

With the onset of puberty comes a condition every man
knows, many women resent, and very few people
understand:

Morning Wood. 

I'm not talking about a baseball bat beside the bed,
although a certainly similarity does exist. I'm not
talking about the headboard of the bed, but if certain
precautions are not kept, the headboard certainly could
figure into the situation. The pressing subject I bring
to you attention today is a flow of blood into sponge-
like tissues, which is then held in place by a constriction
of vascular tissues, causing an engorgement. 

A boner, in other words. 

Exactly why men wake up in the morning with a cat-scratching
post is a matter that has been subjected to countless
experiments and studies over many years, mostly by feminazis
interested in preventing the condition. 

Their studies show men wake up with a johnson at full attention
in the morning because of: 

1) Bladder pressure. 

2) A physiological response from the body to promote a blood
flow into the area. 

3) The day's peak level of testosterone occurs just before rising. 

4) Men actually hate women and use sex to oppress them. By having
or even wanting sex in the morning before rising, men re-assert
their authority immediately and further oppress women. 

Male scientists have also studied this phenonemon for all of three
minutes and determined the following: 

1) It is "One of them thangs." 

So why, precisely, do men wake up in the morning with an erection?
This incident has been observed in men of age approaching 100 years,
in men who are otherwise impotent, and in your humble scribe every
morning for the past 20 plus years. For a truly scientific
exploration, we must examine all 5 of the above hypothesises (Latin
for I Made This Shit Up This Morning While Trying To Piss With A
Boner) in detail. 

To test this theory, our crack scientific review team of myself,
Dr. D. Leer Ious and  Hawgin' Fishbreath volunteered for research.
Where appropriate, our wives were also used in the experiments.
In order to maintain the secrecy needed in expert scientific tests,
the three subjects will only identified by completely randomly
assigned nicknames, Doc, Writer and Dipshit. Wives are identified
as 1, 2 and 3. 

By theory 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Bladder pressure. 

Now if this were the case, then men would experience stiffies at
all sorts of events where large quantities of beer are imbibed. The
test subjects visited the Neon Cowboy for several evenings in a row
while our ... er, their respective wives were in another state
boosting that state's economy considerably. Copious quantities of
fermented malt beverages were imbibed before the subjects were
interviewed. 

DOC: Damnation. You see that blonde with the big tits? Gonna
bust my zipper! 

WRITER: That redhead is living proof that a G-string does not
cover a well-stretched anus. You could fly a damn flag on this
pole. 

DIPSHIT: Woohoo! Hey baby, wanna do some pole vaulting with me?
(Note: Subject Dipshit was seen escorting one of the dancers into
a back room. We can only infer from his statement that he did
have an erection.) 

FINDING: Bladder pressure does indeed result in an erection. 
----------------------------------------------------------------

2) A physiological response from the body to promote a blood flow
into the area. 

For this test, the subjects had blood flow to various parts of their
anatomy restricted by use of a tourniquet. Body parts were chosen
at random. 

DOC: Tourniquet around neck. Result - Subject turned red, then blue,
then passed out. Upon release of tourniquet, subject regained color
in reverse order, then complained about a throbbing. (Note: Many
men experience a phenomenon called a "blue-veiner" and report
throbbing.) 

DIPSHIT: Tourniquet applied to leg above knee. Result - similar color
change. Subject reported pain as blood flow stopped, then when allowed
to resume, reported yet more pain. (Note: This may be related to a
potentially fatal condition called "Blue Balls." See report on Blue
Balls in Dribbling Drivel. NOTE- This column does exist and those who
beg/bribe suitably can be emailed a private copy.) 

WRITER: Tourniquet attempted to be applied to right arm. Subject
hostile. Refused to allow tourniquet saying he needed his hand to
type. Result - Inconclusive. 

FINDING: Blood flow does cause erection-like symptoms in two-thirds of
subjects tested. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

3) The day's peak level of testosterone occurs just before rising. 

For this experiment some way was needed to quantify the level of
testosterone in each subject just prior to rising. Since testosterone
is known to promote aggression as well as sexual desire, it was
decided to provoke the fight reflex by throwing a bucket of cold water
on the subjects, without notice, one morning. That reaction would be
gauged against a similar bucket of water thrown on the subject at the
end of the day. 

WRITER: Morning; Subject threw experiments through the window. Evening;
Subject slammed experiments into the driveway. 

DIPSHIT: Morning; Subject fired several shots at experiments. Evening;
Subject attempted to chase down experiments and "Beat your goddam asses
you fucking perverted bastards." 

DOC: Morning; Subject punched experimenters. Evening; Subject may have
attempted aggressive response, but adrenalin rush was burned out as
subject broke loose from chair (subject was tied to chair), and swam
up from bottom of pool (subject was thrown in pool instead of having
cold water thrown on subject.) 

FINDING: Testosterone levels are higher in the morning. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

4) Men actually hate women. 

For this experiment, the subjects were asked to act on whatever they
felt in the morning with their respective spouses. Subjects and spouses
were interviewed later the same day and asked the identical question
"Did y'all knock the boots this morning or what?" 

WRITER: Woohoo. 
1: What? Hawgin! Doc! I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 1 said after that was
not recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.) 

DOC: Yeah babeeee. Yeah. 
2: What? Hawgin! Ben! I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 2 said after that was not
recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.) 

DIPSHIT: Don't you  know it. 
3: What? Ben! Doc! I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 3 said after that was not
recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.) 

FINDING: Inconclusive. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our final theory to be tested is that of male researchers. 

1) One of them thangs. 

DOC: One of them thangs. 

WRITER: One of them thangs. 

DIPSHIT: One of them thangs. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

FINDING: One of them thangs. 

What can we state from the overall survey and study? Primarily,
ladies please feel free to "knock on wood" in the morning. The man
in your life will appreciate it. 

---

Capt. John Diamond, charter fishing and adult humor since a long time ago.
Diamond presently lives in his house where he pays bills, collects
advertising circulars and threatens IRS agents. He's got an email, but
doesn't feel like sharing today.

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