Re: [Adonthell-general] Updates: Uzdun'kal and the Marring of the World

[Kai Sterker]

On Fri, 9 Aug 2002 13:46:51 -0500 (CDT) Andrew Michael Phillips wrote:

> I've updated the Dwarves of Uzdun'kal piece and hopefully filled out
> the Marring of the World so that it makes sense now.
> 
> http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/marring.html
> http://endor.hsutx.edu/~cptlogic/adonthell/uzdunkal.html
> 
> I'll be out of the loop, to some degree, for the next two weeks, but 
> hopefully I should come back with lots of good ideas.

Sorry for taking so long to reply. But I was busy coding and had a
couple of things in RL keeping me busy as well. Anyway, I really love
the Uzdun'kal text! It reminds me a lot on Silmarillion, Unfinished
tales or the Atlas. I also like the dwarvish names. Just one thing:
wouldn't "Though they spent as little time as possible among the tall
folk, they heard of a distant Isle which was large enough to have
mountains." fit much better at the beginning of the next paragraph? And
a few lines down, it should read "cutting _trees_ with permission of the
Elves". But 'trees' is missing.

The Marring of the World finally looks complete to me :). It's a much
more pleasing read than the first version. And it's nearly free of
errors too. Here are the few I've noticed:

paragraph 7:
"Then Storm King and the Green Lady [...]"
Shouldn't it be "Then the Storm King and [...]"?

10:
As you refer to the spirits in the last sentence of paragraph 9 already,
wouldn't it be better to start with "Telling them his plan, he sent them
forth, [...]"?

11:
s/give/gave

12:
I would change the first sentecene to:
"In similar fashion he enslaved all those who would not serve willingly,
oft turning them into new and terrible creatures." Otherwise you'd have
"those who would not serve" two times in the same phrase.

14:
needs to read "once-beloved woods" not "wood", right?

17:
I would change "Many free kingdoms fell" to "Many of the free lands
fell" as you already speak of "free kingdoms" in the previous sentence.

Last paragraph:
I'd change "The adventurers killed many of [...]" to "They killed many
of [...]" as you talk about the adventurers in the previous sentence as
well.

Apart from that, I'm really happy with the way it turned out! Keep up
that good work!

Kai