Re: [Adonthell-general] Updates: Uzdun'kal and the Marring of the World

[Andrew Michael Phillips]

On Wed, 14 Aug 2002, Kai Sterker wrote:

> Sorry for taking so long to reply. But I was busy coding and had a
> couple of things in RL keeping me busy as well. Anyway, I really love
> the Uzdun'kal text! It reminds me a lot on Silmarillion, Unfinished
> tales or the Atlas. I also like the dwarvish names. Just one thing:
> wouldn't "Though they spent as little time as possible among the tall
> folk, they heard of a distant Isle which was large enough to have
> mountains." fit much better at the beginning of the next paragraph? And
> a few lines down, it should read "cutting _trees_ with permission of the
> Elves". But 'trees' is missing.

Thanks. I take that comparison as a compliment.
 
> The Marring of the World finally looks complete to me :). It's a much
> more pleasing read than the first version. And it's nearly free of
> errors too. Here are the few I've noticed:

Again, thanks. I shall fix and publish when I get back to Abilene. Trying 
to edit documents over a 56k pty connection is guaranteed to give me grey 
hairs.
 
> paragraph 7:
> "Then Storm King and the Green Lady [...]"
> Shouldn't it be "Then the Storm King and [...]"?
> 
> 10:
> As you refer to the spirits in the last sentence of paragraph 9 already,
> wouldn't it be better to start with "Telling them his plan, he sent them
> forth, [...]"?
> 
> 11:
> s/give/gave
> 
> 12:
> I would change the first sentecene to:
> "In similar fashion he enslaved all those who would not serve willingly,
> oft turning them into new and terrible creatures." Otherwise you'd have
> "those who would not serve" two times in the same phrase.
> 
> 14:
> needs to read "once-beloved woods" not "wood", right?
> 
> 17:
> I would change "Many free kingdoms fell" to "Many of the free lands
> fell" as you already speak of "free kingdoms" in the previous sentence.
> 
> Last paragraph:
> I'd change "The adventurers killed many of [...]" to "They killed many
> of [...]" as you talk about the adventurers in the previous sentence as
> well.
> 
> Apart from that, I'm really happy with the way it turned out! Keep up
> that good work!
> 
> Kai
> 
> 
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-- 
All that is gold does not glitter,
  Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
  Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
>From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
  A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
  The crownless again shall be king