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[AlcoveBook-users] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 2


From: The Grand Pooh-Bah Of Humour
Subject: [AlcoveBook-users] Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Vol # 1 Issue # 2
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2003 09:31:51 -0700

Ó¿Ó<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->Ó¿Ó
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Formerly known as Purehumour...Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour is
sent by request ONLY.  If you wish to unsubscribe from this list
please see the instructions at the bottom of every mailing.

Okay lets clear one thing up  right now...I had a few emails from 
people yesterday who were upset that I took a couple of shots at
Canada...they "reminded" me how nice they were to "YOU" American's
after Sept 11, 2001 and that I should appreciate that more and not
be so hard on Canada.  Well just in case you didn't know...I am also
a Canadian and very proud of it...yeah I will take a shot at Canucks
from time to time...but then I am also willing to take shots at just
about everyone else.  As for my position on the "war" in Iraq...lets
just not go there!

"Do you believe in life after love...after love...after love?"  WOW....did
you catch the "Cher Farewell Concert Special" on NBC last night?  What
an incredible show...makes me so jealous that I didn't get the chance 
to see her perform live the last time she was in Winnipeg.  I have never
seen such an amazing stageshow...lights, people, video...everything
all going at once.  Cher took the show down memory lane through the
use of video clips of her in her early days.  I know she has been around
forever...but she still has it.  She is quitting while she is ahead and I 
think that is a great choice...how many of the older rockers should be
rocking in their rocking chairs instead of onstage?  ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Laura, Kay,
Pat, Nana, Keli, Barb, DA Funk, Kim, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">Jokes</a>

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Lets start with a quickie:

What is the definition of "making love"? 

Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 

Ó¿Ó------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó
Today's issue is brought to you by:

ARE YOU THE TERMINATOR OF TRIVIA?
Is your brain filled with useless fact & arcane knowledge?
Test your knowledge & tease your brain with The QuizQueen!
Two original themed quizzes every Sunday
Visit: http://quizqueen.net <a href="http://quizqueen.net";>AOL Users</a>
Subscribe on site or e-mail: mailto:address@hidden

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.
He then pulls a  small green-skinned man out of his
pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking
one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an 
Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many
drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down
there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a
raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs
back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy,
that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The
leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun
that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have
dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

Ó¿Ó----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------Ó¿Ó

Happy Birthday Kathleen...hope it is a sweet one.

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed ...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 Nathan Cook Philadelphia PA, actor (Milton-White Shadow, Billy-Hotel) 
1950 Ehtesham-ud-din cricketer (Pakistani pace bowler in 5 Tests 1980-82) 
1950 Kenneth D Cockrell Austin TX, astronaut (STS 56, 69, 80) 
1952 Magnar Am composer 
1953 Hal Ketchum Greenwich NY, country singer (Small Town Saturday Night) 
1954 Dennis Quaid Houston TX, actor (Big Easy, Dreamscape, Right Stuff) 
1957 Ednita Nazario Ponce Puerto Rico, Spanish singer 
1957 Sevériano Ballesteros Spain, golfer (British Open 1979, 84, 88) 
1958 Tony Sibson boxer 
1959 Dave Innis Bartlesville OK, country singer (Restless Heart-Wheels) 
1961 Mark Kelly Dublin Ireland, rock keyboardist (Marillion-Real to Reel) 
1961 Kirk McCaskill Kapuskasing Ontario Canada, pitcher (Chicago White Sox) 
1962 Freddie Joe Nunn NFL defensive end (Indianapolis Colts) 
1962 Jeff Turner NBA forward (Vancouver Grizzlies) 
1964 Shane Robinson Adelaide SA, Australasia golfer 
1965 Paulina Porizkova Prostejov Czechoslovakia, model/Sports Illustrated 
swimsuit covergirl 
1965 Hal Morris Fort Rucker AL, infielder (Cincinnati Reds) 
1965 Helen Alfredsson Goteborg Sweden, LPGA golfer (1993 Dinah Shore) 
1965 Paolo Cane Itaty, tennis star 
1966 Cynthia Nixon New York NY, actress (Addams Family Values, Pelican Brief) 
1966 Oliver Barnett NFL defensive end (San Francisco 49ers) 
1967 Graeme Lloyd Australia, pitcher (New York Yankees, Milwaukee Brewers) 
1968 Janne Ojanen Tampere Finland, hockey forward (Team Finland) 
1968 Terry Brands Omaha NE, 125½ lbs/57 kg freestyle wrestler/identical twin of 
Tom (Olympics-96) 
1968 Tom Brands Omaha NE, 136½ lbs/62 kg freestyle wrestler/identical twin of 
Terry (Olympics-gold-96) 
1969 Amy Feng Tianjin China, US table tennis player (Olympics-96) 
1969 Karl Krikken cricketer (Derbyshire 1989-, wicketkeeper) 

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Bob Hope's 1st TV appearance 
1950 14th Golf Masters Championship Jimmy Demaret wins, shooting a 283 
1950 4th Tony Awards Cocktail Party & South Pacific win 
1952 Popular uprising in Bolivia 
1953 "TV Guide" publishes 1st issue 
1953 Jomo Kenyatta sentenced to 7 years in Kenya 
1954 WECT TV channel 6 in Wilmington NC (NBC/CBS) begins broadcasting 
1955 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site 
1957 Suez Canal cleared for all shipping 
1957 Howard Hanson's "Song of Democracy", premieres in Washington DC 
1959 Baltimore Orioles pull their 2nd triple play (3-6-3 vs Washington 
Senators) 
1959 Bill Sharman hits an NBA record 56 consecutive foul shot 
1959 NASA names 1st 7 astronauts for Project Mercury 
1959 13th NBA Championship Boston Celtics sweep Minnesota Lakers in 4 games; 
this is Celtics' 8th consecutive title 
1960 14th NBA Championship Boston Celtics beat St Louis Hawks, 4 games to 3; 
this is Celtics' 9th consecutive title 
1960 South African premier Verwoerd wounded in battle 
1962 Arnold Palmer wins his 3rd Masters golf tournament 
1962 JFK throws out 1st ball at Washington DC's new Stadium 
1962 26th Golf Masters Championship Arnold Palmer wins, shooting a 280 
1962 34th Academy Awards - "West Side Story", Sophia Loren & Max Schell win 
1963 Sir Winston Churchill proclaimed honorary U.S. citizen in White House 
ceremony 
1965 1st game at Astrodome, Houston beats Yankees 2-1 in exhibition as Mickey 
Mantle hits 1st indoor homerun 
1965 Beatles "Ticket to Ride" is released in UK 
1965 India & Pakistan engage in border fight 
1966 Anaheim Stadium for the California Angels opens 
1966 Sophia Loren marries married Carlo Ponti in Paris France 
1967 1st Boeing 737 rolls out 
1967 Shortwave broadcaster Radio New York Worldwide's transmitter burns down 
1967 "At the Drop of Another Hat" closes at Booth NYC after 105 performances 
1967 31st Golf Masters Championship Gay Brewer Jr wins, shooting a 280 
1968 Minnesota's Wayne Connelly is 1st to score on a Stanley Cup penalty shot 
1968 Ralph Abernathy elected to head Southern Christian Leadership Conference 
1968 German Democratic Republic adopts constitution 
1968 Martin Luther King Jr, buried in Atlanta GA 
1969 1st flight of Concorde 002 (Filton-Bristol) 
1969 Chicago Cubs' Billy Williams hits 4 consecutive doubles beat Philadelphis 
Phillies 11-3 

©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

When I was a child, my family used to take our vacations,
sometimes, in British Columbia. In those days, all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite place to
visit, mostly, because of the fine fishing. It was at a Lake that
was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide. 

While we were around our campfire, in the evening, the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would, also, tell of the Legends, of the area. This one Legend
always stuck, in my mind. It seemed that, on this particular Lake,
two Indian Tribes made their homes. They were, however, at War,
with one another, from years before. 

There was an Indian Maiden, in one Camp, who was in love with a
young Brave, in the other Camp, and they used to stand, on the
shore, on their respective side, of the Lake, and chant Indian
love calls, to each other. Even though they were warned, by their
Chiefs, that nothing could ever come, of it. One day, they just
could not stand being apart, any longer. 

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped, into the
Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When they
reached each other, in the center, of the Lake, they embraced and,
very quickly, froze to death. This act, so impressed the Brave's
Tribe, that they named the Lake after the young man.

I will never forget, those wonderful vacations, that we spent at
"Lake Stupid".

Ó¿Ó----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------Ó¿Ó

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE 
Posted April 8, 2003

News from Space

 At spaceimaging, you can see satellite photos of Baghdad. Don't miss this 
amazing photo of the whole city where you can zoom in and see individual 
buildings on fire. (4043KB but well worth it). Get a visual reminder that 
Baghdad is as big as Los Angeles. Decide for yourself just how "precise" our 
bombing was. 

If our troops are already in Baghdad, why did we drop four bunker buster bombs 
on a suburban house with no confirmation whatsoever of who was in the house? 
Why not just surround the house and take Saddam a prisoner, since we were there 
anyway? 

More...?

<a href=" http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/ ">DisInfotainment Today</a>
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/

Ó¿Ó-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------Ó¿Ó

"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and
do nothing."
-Johnny Carson

Ó¿Ó-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------Ó¿Ó

Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

What Is Love
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble9.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble9.shtml

Help Keep Your Man Warm
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/keepwarm.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/keepwarm.shtml

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A Texan looked up the top of a tall building and discovered
a man ready to jump! "Stop," he yelled, "remember you're
someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value on
the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the texan.

"She divorced me, the bitch."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails'",said the man

"Then 'remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?," inquired the man.

The Texan replied: "jump you yankee son a bitch!"

Ó¿Ó---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------Ó¿Ó

wasted webspace site of the day:

travel back to the days before windows

<a href="http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/6322/c.htm";>dos prompt</a>
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/6322/c.htm

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Warning Signs of Insanity....
 
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask."

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
one day seek revenge.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Win up to $100,000 and donate to a good cause at the same
time:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Lottery For Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He
once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a
few house calls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what's the matter, "Don't you
like me or somethin'?"

The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance. Every time I enter the
farm, they insult me!"

Ó¿Ó--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------Ó¿Ó

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring
all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as
a sign of defiance to the West.

International news reporters are saying that the anti-Bush campaign
has gone too far.

 Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Where would an ancient Egyptian live?

A. Igloo
B. Pyramid
C. Mud-brick house
D. Tepee

<Answers in Next Issue!>

16/03

Last Issue's Answers:

When was the first International Womens Day?

C. March 19, 1911

QQ: In its various incarnations, ranging from a communist holiday to a 
U.N.-sponsored event, International Women's Day has been celebrated for almost 
90 years. Inspired by an American commemoration of working women, the German 
socialist Klara Zetkin organized International Women's Day (IWD) in 1911. On 
March 19, socialists from Germany, Austria, Denmark and other European 
countries held strikes and marches. 

© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: address@hidden

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

High Powered Snowblower
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snowblower.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snowblower.shtml

Ice Cold Outhouse
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icecold.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icecold.shtml

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager
and asks, "Do you have any small note- books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos?
Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close
the darn store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

Ó¿Ó-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------Ó¿Ó

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out 
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family 
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

Ó¿Ó---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------Ó¿Ó

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the 
past!

April 9th 2002:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m843.html ">Archives</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m843.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Do you love this ezine?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

Ó¿Ó--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------Ó¿Ó

So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting
on a bus. It was raining cats and dogs. A lady was standing next to me
so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. 'If it keeps it up,
we'll all have to buy an ark," I said. "What's an ark?" she asked. 'You
mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all those
animals?" I asked incredulously. "Look, mister," she replied, "I've only
been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."

Ó¿Ó------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Play Alchemy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/alchemy.shtml ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/alchemy.shtml

Play Topsy Turvy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topsy.shtml ">Game Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topsy.shtml

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and his
mom notices he's grinning from ear to ear "What's the
matter with you, you look like the cat that's got the
cream?"

"Well mom" says Johnny, "today I made love with my
English teacher in the stock room".

The mother is furious and says "just wait till your father
gets home!"

When the dad gets home he too acts furious but when the
mother leaves the room he starts grinning too - proud as
punch that his son has got a shag so early on.

"Son" he says, "today you did your old man proud - you've
become a man, and as a treat I'm going to take you for a pint
then we'll go and buy that mountain bike you've had your eye
on".

"That sounds great dad" says Johnny "but can I have a skateboard
instead - my ass is killing me..."

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! 
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/19.html ">Lotto-Fun</a>

Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one
dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be
right back." He walks across the street and sniffs
this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks
back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my
messages."

Ó¿Ó--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Hi Honey, I Had A Little Accident
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/accident.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/accident.shtml

I Want To Share Everything With You
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/share.shtml ">Toon Time</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/share.shtml

Ó¿Ó-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------Ó¿Ó

A man who tried to chat up a woman in a German nightclub
dropped his false teeth down her cleavage.

Shop assistant Tina Lange, 37, who met the man in a disco
in Mannheim, said: "I wasn't very interested in him but
when I was leaving he whispered in my ear: 'I hope we'll
see each other again.'

"He then dropped something down my cleavage, which I
thought was his phone number."

But when she later went to fish it from between her breasts,
she found it was a plate of three false teeth.

She said: "If he wants his teeth back, he'll have to call
me."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:address@hidden ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[A Classic]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse
immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the
side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to
its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Ó¿Ó-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------Ó¿Ó

[||||]       F I R S T    T H I N G S    F I R S T        [||||]    

"Singers Jessica Simpson and Nick Lackey will allow cameras to follow 
their first year of marriage for a series premiering in August."    
(USA/4/4)

With the divorce sequel due the following spring.

Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. 
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
Ó¿Ó--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------Ó¿Ó

The young ensign approached the crusty old chief and asked
him about the origin of the commissioned officers insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you
a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable.
The silver bar of a lieutenant junior grade represents value,
but less malleable. When you make lieutenant, you're twice as
valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle.
As an admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your
question?"

"Yes, Sir. But what about commanders and lieutenant commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of
Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with
leaves... "

Ó¿Ó--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------Ó¿Ó

Are you fully protected from viruses?
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Virus Protection</a>

Ó¿Ó---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------Ó¿Ó

A Godfrey, Illinois man has been putting obscene pictures
of himself, along with his e-mail address, on the wind-
shields of young women's cars, Alton Police said Tuesday.

Prosecutors on Tuesday charged the suspect, 20-year-old
Michael R. Ostrander, with three counts of distribution
of harmful material for allegedly putting pictures of
himself, with his penis exposed, on the windshield of a
car that three young women had used on March 15.

Alton Police Lt. Bill Taul said Ostrander's e-mail address
was printed on the bottom of the Polaroid pictures.

"I guess it was for them to contact him," Taul said.

The three young women found two of the pictures on their
car after they returned from shopping at a retail store
along Homer Adams Parkway.

Taul said he knows of at least two other women who had
similar pictures tucked under the windshield wipers of their
cars, but they didn't want to get involved. In addition,
workers at retail stores in Alton have reported finding
similar pictures on their parking lots.

"We don't know how many times it's happened," Taul said.

The three young women involved in the episode on March 15
gave police a description of a suspicious man in a truck.
On the night of March 19, Alton Police got a call from a
store's security personnel about a person matching that
description in a truck outside a store.

Police found Ostrander sitting in his truck, and tucked into
to the vehicle's sun visor was a picture. Police also found
in the truck a Polaroid camera, film and a knife with a
5-inch blade.

"The knife kind of worried me," Taul said.

Police arrested Ostrander that night on a charge of obscenity,
for possessing the picture, but he was released after posting
bond. Detectives later showed Ostrander's mug shot to the
three young women, and they identified him as the man they saw
on March 15.

Ó¿Ó---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------Ó¿Ó

Why do men pay more for car insurance? 

Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. 

Ó¿Ó--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------Ó¿Ó

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"MANY CHANGES IN LIBERATED IRAQ"

If you're like most people, you're wondering what will
happen after the war, asking yourself questions such as
"What will Iraq look like?" "Who will be in charge of
Baghdad?" and "Will the Iraqi people finally have the
freedom to enjoy American culture?"

Those are important questions. As a dedicated journalist,
I've sought to bring you answers, interviewing every foreign
affairs expert within five feet of my couch. My 10-month-old
daughter is too young to provide answers (she can barely say
"axis of evil"), so I've had to read tarot cards, gaze into
a crystal ball, and consult a Zambian witch doctor. Here's
what we can expect:

---President Bush, having brought freedom to Afghanistan and
Iraq, is hailed around the world as The Great Liberator. "He
liberated us from our terrible dictator," says one grateful
Iraqi man. "And even more amazing, he liberated us from our
oil."

---Democratic presidential candidates, hoping to steal some
of Bush's popularity, promise to liberate several other
countries, including North Korea, Cuba and France. A few
even propose introducing democracy to Saudi Arabia, Jordan,
and Pakistan -- until Colin Powell reminds them that "those
are our allies."

---The unemployment rate plummets as thousands of Americans
join the humanitarian effort in Iraq, known officially as
"Operation Rebuild What We Just Destroyed." But television
networks are forced to lay off dozens of employees, most of
them retired generals. One general buys a "job wanted" ad,
touting his strengths as a military analyst, including his
"uncanny ability to find Afghanistan and Iraq on a map" and
"vast experience in using a pointing device."

---Hatred for America in the Muslim world diminishes
slightly, thanks to the Bush Administration's ingenious plan
to join forces with Britain and Australia in conducting the
war, a move known officially as "Operation Share the Hate."

---Thousands of anti-war activists, eager for another
challenge, join the controversial group PETA (People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals) and organize massive protests
around the world, urging meat-lovers to "give peas a
chance."

---Iraqi TV makes dramatic changes to its schedule,
canceling popular shows such as "Everybody Loves Saddam,"
"Meet the Prez" and "Eight Simple Lashes for Dating my
Teenage Daughter." New shows include "American Idol,"
"American Justice," and, of course, "Baywatch."

---Fast-food giant Burger King expands into Iraq, opening a
chain of restaurants, shrewdly promoting them as Baghdad
King. Other new restaurants include Steak and Sheik, Subway
Sandwiches and Kurd Rice, and Kentucky Fried Chickpeas.

---After being captured by American troops, the former
dictator of Iraq decides to transpose the syllables in his
first name, switching from Saddam Hussein to the more
appropriate Damsad Hussein.

---Another change takes place when the liberated women of
Iraq gain control of Baghdad and decide to give it a new
name: Baghmom. But the deposed men threaten to file a
lawsuit, forcing the women to accept a compromise:
Baghparent.

---The New York Times, always at the forefront of
journalism, conducts some intensive reporting and uncovers a
surprising fact -- that good and evil exist in both Iraq and
America. The finding shocks President Bush, who stops
emphasizing the "goodness of America," choosing instead to
stress the "goodness of America outside our vast prison
system."

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
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