Noob dumb question (extending emacs)

[Ivano Da Milano]

Hello everyone.
Please, be patient, as I'm totally new to emacs, but I'm told it can do a
lot more than just editing text.
So, I ask you, are the following possible?
And how to accomplish? (if possible, point me to a ready solution, because
I know nearly nothing about lisp)

[un]zip/tar/rar/etc archives
ASCII Art - from image, but IIRC, there's an ASCII based paint program
Batch rename
Browser (like Lynx)
Scientific calculator
Calendar
Contacts manager
DBMS (SQL Client)
Diff/patch
File manager (like Midnight Commander)
FTP Client
Id3 tag editor
IRC client
Mail client
MIDI/Music Player
OffLine browser (like HTTrack)
random password generator
Project management
Speech recognition
Spreadsheet (like sc)
System clean
Task manager (like top)
Torrent
Transcoder (with FFMPeg)
TTS (with eSpeak)
Volume mixer (like AlsaMixer)
Wave editor (with SoX)

Thanks in advance for any help.